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June 16, 2003

A fine bit of parody

Remember "Airplane", "The Naked Gun" and "Hot Shots"? Well, if you're a connisiour of fine Zucker, Abrahams, Zucker products, and are as frustrated as the rest of us about the difficulty in finding WMD in Iraq, you need to give Billmon a visit over at his Whiskey Bar.

Here's a small taste:

Cut from black. We appear to be perched on the roof of a Humvee, speeding through the streets of Baghdad. A police siren whirls and blares on the roof in front of us. The Humvee drives up on the sidewalk to avoid an Abrams tank; Iraqis dive out of the way. It ploughs through a fruit stall and a newspaper stand, turns up the steps and through the courtyard of a mosque, roars down a narrow alley, tears through a group of Iraqi women, sending black chadors flying left and right, turns into the main corridor of a hospital, drives through an operating room, smashing the patient and the doctors to pulp, exits through the back door of the hospital, takes out a few more Iraqi pedestrians, then smashes head on into a livestock market, coming to a stop in a pile of dead and dying camels.

Fade soundtrack

The driver emerges from the Humvee -- Lt. Frank Drebbin, LAPD. He's in plain clothes -- his usual cheap brown suit and white shirt, with collar unbuttoned and tie loosened. Drebbin stands for a second by his Humvee, looking at the camel carnage. He is immediately surrounded by a mob of angry, shouting camel drivers. Drebbin nods and smiles. Then, realizing something is amiss, he pulls a wad of Saddam-era banknotes out of his coat pocket and begins to throw them at the crowd. As a squad of U.S. MPs comes running, rifles at ready, Drebbin saunters away. Behind him, we hear warning shots being fired.

Drebbin (voice over): It was hotter than Hollywood on Gay Pride Day, and as smelly as Shaq's armpits in double overtime. But this wasn't LA. It was Baghdad -- a sweltering slum of a city filled with brutal thugs, corrupt bureaucrats and sleazy quick-buck artists. And the Iraqis were a nasty bunch, too. Like an POW in a British prison camp, I was gonna have to stay on my guard.

Drebbin walks down the street -- oblivious to everything around him. He passes an armored personnel carrier, just as a terrorist runs up and throws a grenade in it. The APC explodes a split second after Drebbin walks by. He passes a sentry post, just as a terrorist grabs an MP from behind and slits his throat. Drebbin doesn't notice. He walks between two groups of Iraqi bandits shooting it out with pistols, and doesn't notice, even as several of the bandits fall dead at his feet.

Drebbin: (voice over) It was a Saturday, and I should've been sitting in Dodger Stadium, watching the game and enjoying a tall one -- maybe drinking a beer, too. But I was on special assignment. My mission: To find Saddam's missing weapons of mass destruction, before they found America. Another story from the files of (pause): WMD Squad!

And now I'm off to get some aspirin - my sides are hurting from laughing so much!

Posted by thorswitch at June 16, 2003 10:30 PM

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Posted by: casino at June 17, 2003 04:50 PM